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In A Lift
An old woman is going up in a lift in a very
Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and
says arrogantly: 'Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle.'
Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to
the old woman and says
snootily: chanel No 5, £150 a bottle.' A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination.
As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: 'broccoli, 25p a pound.'
Toilet Paper
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were walking
along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde.
The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang
on the bathroom is just up the hill, I'll go get some toilet paper."
After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.
The redhead says, "What's so funny?"
The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at
her. By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"
Farm Date
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were
getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're
going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm
Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."
The third beau came to the
door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.
The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring
the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town called Weipa. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough
of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair
have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in
the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins
to apologise, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this,mister! I'm talking to that little prick on your knee."
Coincidence
A chicken farmer goes into a local tavern,
takes a seat at the bar next to a woman, and orders a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I
just ordered a glass of champagne, too!" He turns to her and says, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm
celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the
man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today,
my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were
infertile, but today they're finally fertile." "That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I
switched cocks," he replies. "What a coincidence," she said.
The Kite
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it
for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while,
his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She
opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look
on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
How to give your cat a pill:
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb
on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop
in pill. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2)
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3)
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4)
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5)
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6)
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill, put down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7)
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8)
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9)
Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10)
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11)
Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another
shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12)
Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving
to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13)
Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty
pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
of water down throat to wash pill down.
14)
Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15)
Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to
give a dog a pill:
Wrap it
in bacon and drop it on the floor.
A Satified Customer
Dear Tide:
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties, I
find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led
to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain
detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.
After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide
with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came
out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative, and then my attorney
called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What
a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again, for
having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.
Yours truly,
A
Satisfied Customer
Rosebuds
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for
her date with a very sheer blouse on and no
bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling
her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams.
These
are modern times.. You gotta let your rose
buds show!" and out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and
the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die. She explains to her
grandmother that
she has friends coming over and
that it is just not appropriate...
The
grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If
you can show off your rosebuds, then I can
display my hanging baskets."
Does your car have a 710
A few days ago I was having some work done at my
local garage.
A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other, and another customer
asked,
"What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the
engine, I lost
it and need a new one. It had always been there."
The mechanic gave the blonde a piece of paper and a pen and asked
her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to
another car which had the hood up and asked, "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said,
"Of course,
it's right there."
Now look at the photo below.....
Senior Citizen
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.
He
took
off down the road,
flooring it to 80 MPH and enjoying the wind blowing through what
little
hair he had left on
his head.
This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal
to the metal even more. Then he looked
in his rear-view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing,
and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man.
He tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 MPH. Then 110, 120 MPH.
Then he thought, "What am I doing?
I'm too old for this kind of
thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to
catch
up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked
up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch.
"My shift ends in 30 minutes and
today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that
I've never
heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with
a Florida state
trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day".
Don't Mess With Women
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday
morning;
it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious
ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just
look at our cars! There's nothing
left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet
and be friends
and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely,
this
must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car
is completely
demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then
she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and
then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to
the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL
OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches.
Don't mess with us.
Why Do Men Pee Standing Up
God was just about done
creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them.
He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while
standing up.
"It's a very handy thing,"
God told them, "and I was wondering if
either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that
to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems
like just the sort of thing a man should have.
Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little
boy. Eve just smiled and told God that
if Adam really wanted it so badly, he
could have it. So God gave Adam the thing
that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could
hit a stump ten feet away - laughing
with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well,
I guess you're kind of stuck with the
last thing I have left.
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains", said God
Circumcised
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class
was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was
quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to
go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned
to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went
back to investigate only to find
him sitting at his desk with his penis
hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom," she screamed.
"I
did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Stop Reading
Fifteen years ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve years ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;
The next day I stopped eating red meat..
8 years ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading
Do The Math
To My Dear Wife, "You will surely understand that I have certain needs that
you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading
this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary
at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before midnight".
When the man came
home, he found the following letter on the dining room table............
"My Dear Husband, I received your fax and thank you for your honesty.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54years old. At the same time I would like to inform
you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary, is also
18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the
same situation, although with one
small difference. 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore
I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow."
"Test for Dementia"
"It's that time of
year to take our annual senior citizen test."
Exercise
of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we
grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert The saying;
If
you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so...
Below is
a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
So,
take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.
OK,
relax, clear your mind and... begin.
WELL
MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!
Answer
these questions as fast as you can!
1.
What do you put in a toaster?
Answer:
"bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
2.
Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer:
Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It
may be that you need to content yourself with reading
something more appropriate such as Children's World.
If you said "water" then proceed to question 3.
3.
If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink
house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer:
Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions?????
If you said "glass," then! go on to Question 4.
4.
It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany
(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany
and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time
and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle
of "no man's land" between East Germany and
West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany
or in "no man's land"?
Answer:
You don't, of course, bury survivors.
If
you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash.
Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said,
"Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question.
5.
Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales.
In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading,
six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16
people get on. In Swansea,
three people get off and five people get on In Carmathen, six people
get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer:
Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember
your own name? It was YOU!!
Woman's Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, please no bags
And please lift my butt, before it sags.
Please no age spots, please no gray
And as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy,
please keep me young
And thank you Dear Lord,
for all that you've done.
Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.
Never Bet an elderly Woman
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one
morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of
the Bank
because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client
is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted
to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked
her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of
bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000
that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that
it was
impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the
president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000
that my
testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the
amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about
the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles , turning them this way and that, checking
them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his
testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000
bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as
the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants
etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.The president was happy to oblige...
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better
and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount
of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly
the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He
asked the elderly woman why he was doing that!
and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him
$100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the
Bank of Canada!"
Blonde Winner
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very
attractive, statuesque
blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000.00 on a
single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel
much
luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped completely, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come
on, baby, Mama
needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop, she
jumped up and down and squealed, "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She
hugged
each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and
quickly departed.
The dealers stared
at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know -
I
thought you were watching."
THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Hillbilly Birth
Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into
laborin
the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in
thedelivery.Since there was no electricity, the
doctor handed the
father-to-be alantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see
what
I amdoing!."Soon,
a baby boy was brought into the world."Whoa there",
said
the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put thatlantern down.I
think
there's
another one coming."Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby
girl."Hold that lantern
up, don't set it down there's another one!"
said the doctor.Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby."No,
don't be
in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yetanother one
coming!" cried the doctor.The redneck
scratched his head in
bewilderment,
and asked the doctor,"You reckon it might be the light that's
attractin' 'em?"
Movie star
This
good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star."
Tall, handsome and
with experience on Broadway, he
had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said,
"My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent snickers and says, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you're gonna have
to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is
centuries old, I will not disrespect
my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for
years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood
with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able
to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's
office.
FIVE YEARS LATER.....
The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope
is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck . Who would possibly send him $50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to
become an
actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my
name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in
Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I
left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right.
I had to change my name. I had too much
pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing
my
name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
Mother Nature
On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred
had hit his ball into the woods. Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into
the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty
yellow buttercups, he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup
in that patch.
Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature!
Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest
of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact,
you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF!...she was gone.
After Fred got a
hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"
Harry yells, "I'm over here, in
the pussy willows."
Fred screams back..... "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!! DON'T SWING!!!"
Open Fly
The manager hired a new secretary. She was
young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously
said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened
to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in,
he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at
attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting
on two duffel bags!"
Cinderella's Wishes
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a
fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front
porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said: 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?'
The Fairy Godmother replied: 'Well
Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there
anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration
and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish. 'I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.' Instantly her rocking
chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned.
Cinderella said 'Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!' The Fairy
Godmother replied 'It is the least I can do. What is your second wish?' Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said:
'I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again.'
At once, her wish having been desired, became reality,
and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long
forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul. Then the Fairy Godmother spoke again: 'You have one more
wish, what shall you have?'
Cinderella looked over to Alan, who was now quivering in the corner with fear. 'I wish
you to transform my old cat, Alan, into a beautiful and handsome young man.' Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental
a change in his biologicial make up, that when he stoof before her, he was a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the
world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother said: 'Congratulations
Cinderella! Enjoy your new life.' With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few moments,
Alan and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she
had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his muscular
arms.
He leant close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his
warm breath, 'I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?'
THE GUNFIGHTER
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more
than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he
wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized
an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy
took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. Do you think you could
give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun
too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his
44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, Got any more tips for me? "
Yep," said
the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
The young man
took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said
the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here - got anymore tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
"See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease
on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make
me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano,
he's going to shove that gun up your butt, and it won't hurt as much"
Female Prayer
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I Pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart
and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I Pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash,
won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my
chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh!!! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows
what to answer to "how big is my behind???"
I Pray that this man will love
me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Male Prayer
I Pray For a Deaf-Mute Nymphomaniac
With Huge Boobs
Who Owns
a Liquor Store and a Bass Boat.
This Doesn't Rhyme and I Don't Give a Shit.
Amen.
Baptists and Worms
A Southern Baptist minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis
to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into
four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar
of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good
clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The
first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth
worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink,
smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Don't you just love little old ladies????
Secrets of a Happy Marriage (Some foul language)
A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very
much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife,
"Honey, I'll be right back."
Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going
to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."
The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the
door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland,
Japan, India, etc.
The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was,
"Yes, Lollipop.... but at the bar...you know... they have frozen glasses... "
He didn't get to finish the sentence,
because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer,
so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll,
but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?"
"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken
wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.
"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know, there's
swearing, dirty words and all that..."
You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP DICKHEAD! SIT DOWN,
SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FRICKING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED
ASS ISN'T GOING TO A FRICKING BAR!
THAT SHIT IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"
....and, they lived
happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?
Sex in Florida
A Florida
couple, both well into their 70's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The
man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such
an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely
nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50
and he says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex
therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse
with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton
charges $139. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.
First Time Flyer
A blonde gets on an airplane for her first flight ever. She sits in the first class
section and makes herself comfortable. The stewardess comes to verify her first-class seating. She notices the blonde has
a second class ticket and tell the blonde she must move to second class seating.
The blonde happily exclaims, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Florida first
class." She doesn't move.
The stewardess, a bit irratated, gets another stewardess to ask her
to move to second class. And again the blonde happily exclaims, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to Florida first
class." She doesn't move.
By now both stewardesses are very irritated and goes to the co-pilot and
informs him what is going on. The co-pilot goes to first class where the blonde is seated and tells her she must move to second
class because her ticket is for second class seating and again the blonde happily exclaims to the co-pilot, "I'm blonde, I'm
beautiful and I'm going to Florida first class." She doesn't move.
The irritated co-pilot then goes to the pilot and tells him what is going on. The
pilot goes to first class and walks up to where the blonde is seated and bends down and whispers in her ear and the blonde
gets up and moves to second class without saying a word.
The co-pilot looks at the pilot in disbelief and says, "How did you do that?
What did you say to make her move to second class?"
The pilot smiles and says to the co-pilot, "I simply told her that first class is
not going to Florida!"
Subject: Men and bar b quing.....
Barbequing is
the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into
motion:
1) The woman goes to the store and buys everything.
2) The woman makes the salad,
vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the
necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, beer in
hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to organize the
plates and cutlery.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her
and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
7) The man takes the meat off
the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises the
man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her night off.
And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing a woman
Sex Lecture
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced
up and
saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.
Low
and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
vacation?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business, The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous women he had ever seen, sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the best
endowed, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."
"Another popular myth
is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent."
"We have, however, found that
the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable
and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
Good Clean Joke
It is hard to find a joke today without
a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins
to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says
he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell
if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
Wipe
that smile off your face
Men
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2.
WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE
ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their
balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5.
WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6.
WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES
IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
(C'mon guys, we laugh at your
blonde jokes!)
And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't
mow the lawn)
Teenage Sex
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely
impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The
doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box
of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about the situation
and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom!
You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
Church
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand.
He
said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but
I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand
dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?"
Pancakes
Brenda and Steve took their six- year-old son to the doctor. With some
hesitation,
they explained that although their little angel appeared
to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small
penis.
After
examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The
next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee,
Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
Blonde at the Bar
Tom, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to
this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge
of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Tom and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Tom says, "You know,
I bet he'll jump." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Tom placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just
as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The
blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Tom, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money." Tom replied, "I can't take your
money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't
think he'd do it again."
Tom took the money ..
How Was I Born?
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers:
"Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room
on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded
room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a
blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got Male!"
WHITE
WOMEN
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third
date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.
IRISH WOMEN
First Date: You both get blind
drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk
and have sex.
ITALIAN WOMEN
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you &
insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th
Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.
JEWISH WOMEN
First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date:
You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.
CHINESE WOMEN
First
date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner.
Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.
INDIAN WOMEN
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding
night.
BLACK WOMEN
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy
her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by
someone other than you.
MEXICAN WOMEN
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and
have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother,
father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her
two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in
your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.
The "POINT" ?
DON'T YOU JUST
LOVE IRISH WOMEN?!
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